Still slacking but not as badly

Yeah. I have shined my sink. I am finally able to do some laundry. I am trying to get back on top of my routine since we were gone for like a week. It really isn't that easy to jump right in and get started again. I am still half-stepping the full process. There are just some things I cannot bring myself to do...like drink a lot of water every day. Some of the reasons are financial, whereas some are just me being stubborn and fighting against change.

The water one is more financial. Our water SUX and so we buy water. If I drink all the water, there is none for my son or his food *he cant drink it, either*. I try to drink some of the water I boil, but it's extremely foul tasting. The only person that can stand it is my husband.

Eating more fresh veggies is a financial one, too. Produce is not cheap by a long shot so buying fresh is just not an option very often. The one thing we buy a lot is bananas, which make my stomach hurt like nobody's business. I can put them in things like pancakes, but just to roll up and eat one is a big no-no.

Anything else *besides the water, laundry, and veggies issues* is pretty much me being stubborn. I will work my way through it, though.

I suck

that is all....

FLYlady principal: set a bedtime

As much as I would LOVE to go to bed at ten every single night, it is virtually impossible with my husband's schedule. When he works nights, I might not get to bed till 3 in the morning. When he works days, I might get to bed by midnight. Some nights my body just can't do it and I end up asleep by 12. Even if I could go to sleep by ten at night when he works nights, he would wake me up when he gets home. ... .. .. so you see my dilemma? I would rather stay awake longer then crash instead of being woken up to have to fight myself back to sleep later.

FLYing: dropping the ball

Yeah the last two days I think I got burned out on cleaning. Why? Well the Man decided it was time to go through 2 of 4 closets. We did the other 2 closets before. He is not a one thing at a time person, he is an all or nothing person. I got so tired and overwhelmed! Now I have had dishes in my sink for 2 days. There are still dishes to put away in my dishwasher. To top it all off, my knees decided they didn't like me anymore...probably from hauling and pulling those two days it took to clean out the closets...and then I couldn't really stand up for any length to do anything.

Right now I have a knee brace on each knee and I am sitting here wishing that I could do more than stare at the crap that is starting to pile up already!

flylady principal: laundry every day

I wish I could do a load a day! Unfortunately, I have to plan my laundry around a number of factors, and therefore cannot.

First, there is no washer/dryer allowed in my apartment. Second, the one next door costs 3$ to wash/dry one load of clothes. Get my drift? Then when I do get a roll of quarters, I try to get 4 loads done at once (I usually have other quarters stashed somewhere to make the roll + quarters = 4 loads = 12$). Lastly, there are 2 washers and 2 dryers next door. If someone else is in there already, there goes my day for laundry!

Also, mind you that by the time I get to the point I can do 4 loads I usually have 5 or 6 waiting to be done. Most of those are children and husband clothes, as they change more frequently than I do. The Man has to dress for work, after work, bed, and work out. The Kid dresses for bed, activities, after activities, and workout (jiu jitsu). I dress for bed and the day and that pretty much sums it up. The Man works like 5 days a week and can workout or do his class any number of days out of a 7 day week. The Kid goes to class two or three times a week.

So I am learning to adapt flylady to work with my conflicts and so far, so good.
I am doing day 11 babysteps today, so off I go to write my inspirational sheets ;)

i know it's been a long time

I havent been here in ages it seems. My sister is now nearly 7 months pregnant. I am still NOT trying to get pregnant. So much has been going on. I just can't even tell you all of it.

I have some more random thoughts that are coming through my head since beginning Flylady.net again and getting into actually loving myself. I will have to come over here and share about it. This seems to be the place I like to vent all my transforming thought spirals, anyway.

I have been on FLYlady for about 2 weeks now and getting into the swing of things, but my body and mind are at odds. I find that my heart BUCKS routine like a mad bull in rodeo season. I know that I can follow one for a short amount of time (like a few months) but after that, it dies to me. I had my son on a gorgeous routine, and now we are kind of willy nilly. It's just too much control, I think. My mind can't deal with all the control over myself and other people, especially not my son.

I grew up in all kinds of control, so I guess that's the residual effect popping through. Chores were mandatory, but also punishment. I was just saying to my husband how I will not be able to give my son extra chores as penance for wrongful deeds. It's why I can't clean a bedroom, abhor washing dishes, and generally cannot declutter anything. Hence, the reason I am all up in FLY.

Mirena?

Anyone have any experience with the Mirena IUD? I am wondering if it would be worth me trying out. I mean, most hormonal treatments do not treat women's bodies right in my family. I have to think about what it will do to me physically, but I am so tempted to get it for that 5 year continuous protection. I really need to ensure that I don't get pregnant as much as possible.

Funny how the tide changed from when I started blogging here, huh? First I couldn't wait to have a baby and now I am trying my hardest to make sure I don't have one.

By the way, another grandchild is on the way for my side of the family. My baby sister is 2+ months pregnant.

finally got my friend

It's been over a month since I had my period. I just got it 5 days ago and am only getting here now to tell about it. I had taken 4 preggo tests to make sure that it wasn't that and only my stress. Who would have thought you could stress enough to make your period a month late?

late again

stupid period. im 3 days late and am currently attributing it to the excessive amounts of stress i have been dealing with of late. will keep you updated.

Ovulation

I hate the way I feel, smell, think when I ovulate

No more babies?

Well I started going to therapy. With the diagnosis and treatment options available... well... it may be necessary for me to have to go on meds at some point. This means that I will have to get on birth control of some sort.

Meds + pregnancy = big ol' mess.

Can't chance it.

Either way, it would not be a good idea for me to get pregnant again for the sheer mental repercussions it will cause. I went into PPP (postpartum psychosis) last time. I know for a fact that if I did have a daughter out of the next pregnancy, it would not be good for us, due to my issues even and especially after the PPP has subsided.

If you have no clue what I am talking about, you can read more on the subject here.

4 Months since the first M/C

Well actually my 2nd and 3rd M/Cs. It's 4 months today. I think it's time to stop grieving the loss of my babies...

Today also marks 2 years since my grandmother passed.

2 has always been a bad number for me...but today I only mourn her. Hopefully next year I won't feel like this about babies or grandmom and I can just move on with my life.

How Crunchy Can you Get?

I might be seen as a pariah, but I want to get this out there somewhere into the Universe. Maybe I will be heard and granted the life I long to live with my family:

I want to make soy candles in my kitchen with my son.

I want to grow a small garden of veggies and spices so that I can always have fresh things to cook with.

I want to go to the local farmers and buy their fresh off the farm produce.

I want to crochet with alternative and natural fibers.

I want to buy from the small timers to support the working class crafter.

I want my house to always smell of apples and cinnamon or sugar cookies or pie.

I loved wearing my baby and keep my slings to remind me of the special time we had cuddling and nursing in those things.

I want to continue to use homeopathic meds and supplements for me and my family.

I want my family to be clothed in the things that I made with my own two hands.

I want to show myself approved...become the person that I have dreamed of being. Not just for me, but so my own child will know the value of making things from scratch and making the best from what you have available...from God's bounty to our tables.

==

That is my dream.

Hello Aunt Flo

I finally got a regular period! Thanks be to God. I nearly thought it would never happen. I guess this means that my body has healed or is at least nearly there.

We discussed adoption again... Hubby said he still wants to try one more time. I said my heart can't take another failure. I know other women have failed and failed and failed again only to finally have their heart's desire. Maybe I am a wimp, but this being our 3rd miscarriage since we got married, I just don't think I can muster up enough moxie to try again and fail and again and fail.

Yes, next time I might not fail and actually have a baby, but I just can't live with the fear every day just waiting for the baby to miscarry again. I would have that fear till the baby is born then I would be worried about SIDS for 3 years. At least I know that adoption is not out of the realm of possibility.

2 misses, can i just walk now?

Well I haven't been here because I had 2 miscarriages in July, not one... I couldn't really bring myself to talk here much about anything. I have decided to wait and see what happens now. I still haven't had a "regular" stint with Aunt Flo. I'm tired and I just want to stop. Depressed, stressed out, my hair breaking off... yeah. I'm done for a while.

I will still post here at least once or twice a month. I will let you know if my body has healed and such.

2 weeks later

aunt flo has FINALLY vacated the building. jeebus. it was like FOREVER.

She showed up

Well after waiting and waiting and 3 tests for my past due period, I got it. Barely there, but there all the same. I am disheartened and I don't even want to try anymore. Seriously. I have stopped going to miscarriage support forums that I used to frequent. I just want to be alone in my cocoon of disappointment for a while.

No sign of AF

I have had symptoms of other things, but no sign of Aunt Flo. It's weird. You see my counter for today says this is the 30th day of my cycle, seeing as I ovulated on the 12th. I got a BFN already once, but I might have tested too quickly. I don't know...

I was paranoid about telling people whether or not I am pregnant again. I figure it's stupid to keep it to myself. Seriously, me saying anything or nothing won't make the baby stick any better. If God wills me to have a child, I will have it REGARDLESS. So that is where my had is right now. I am just waiting a few more days to test again and see if I get a BFP anytime soon.

The new countdown

Here is the closest estimate I can get on our TTC journey:

Miscarriage/Loss Support forums

Here are the places that I have been going rather frequently to get help:

Miscarriage Support

TTC after Miscarriage

Silent Grief