No sign of AF

I have had symptoms of other things, but no sign of Aunt Flo. It's weird. You see my counter for today says this is the 30th day of my cycle, seeing as I ovulated on the 12th. I got a BFN already once, but I might have tested too quickly. I don't know...

I was paranoid about telling people whether or not I am pregnant again. I figure it's stupid to keep it to myself. Seriously, me saying anything or nothing won't make the baby stick any better. If God wills me to have a child, I will have it REGARDLESS. So that is where my had is right now. I am just waiting a few more days to test again and see if I get a BFP anytime soon.

The new countdown

Here is the closest estimate I can get on our TTC journey:

Miscarriage/Loss Support forums

Here are the places that I have been going rather frequently to get help:

Miscarriage Support

TTC after Miscarriage

Silent Grief

TMI: Ovulation and TTC

Well I know that I ovulated on the 12th.

DTD on the 15th.

Didn't mean to work it out like that, really. I was trying to hold off, but sometimes a married gal just can't wait *teehee*. It wasn't to TTC, but that's how it worked out. If I end up with something to talk about I probably won't say too much about it till like my 19th week. Seriously.

Finished losing

I finally stopped bleeding last night. It was another 9 days in total that I bled, just like with my first miscarriage. I am already ovulating again. I can feel it and it hurts more than it did before. I am going to wait one full cycle before trying again. I want to make sure I know exactly what I am doing and when is the best time to do it. No pressure, though. I know it won't take long for me to get to my viable pregnancy and then to my daughter finally being in my arms.

Letting Go & Moving on

I have finally dealt with my anger and forgave some things. I had to let go of it. It was eating me alive. That has changed into determination. I am now determined to try again. Determined to be successful and have my daughter. I am determined to win. That might sound a little crazy, but it makes perfect sense to me. I have carried a baby far enough to be born healthy, and I can do it again.

I will be taking good care of myself in preparation to succeed. It's all I can do. I know that this pregnancy was a primer, as was my first miscarriage before my son. It taught us the lessons we needed to learn. Next time will be different. Next time I won't lose.

Time to Grieve

I have had time to grieve today, but I haven't gone insane. I have cried, but not gone over the top. I don't know what to say about that other than I guess, maybe, I have found some semblance of sanity... even if I am not at peace within myself. I am just glad to finally be alone and able to cope without noise.

Still Cramping

I am still cramping, still bleeding. I am still hurting, suffering. It's the hardest thing I have had to deal with since losing my grandmother. I started a song, but I can't finish it. I have a poem that doesn't feel right. I just want something to feel right. When will I be ready to try again? Will I ever be ready? The pain is all too present right now.

I have to call my doctor tomorrow. I was supposed to have blood drawn on the 6th but didn't go. The bruise on my arm is too big and it's the only place they can get good veins. This is all I have left of my former child. Bruises, blood, and pain.

Helpful Links about Miscarriage

• Miscarriage Statistics
• Information & Articles
• "Our Miscarriage" info site
• Coping with loss, babycenter
• Coping, americanbaby
• Coping, epigee
  

Dedicated to angel baby #2

I lost one baby before. Now he has a playmate. Be good to your sister up there.

23: the number of the dead

At least it is for my baby. They tell me that I should go in on the 6th to have another blood test done to see if this is all just a fluke or whatever. I kind of already know that my HCG level will be at zero when I get the results. The people at the hospital couldn't even get a positive urine test for pregnancy on me this time. A clueless nurse just popped in with that lovely information, infuriating the nurse that had been taking great pains not to upset me. The doctor removed a bunch of tissue that I would have lost anyway. I am still losing tissue and blood. I started last night and it just got worse overnight. I am still having hella cramping. I am so heartbroken that I can't even breathe. I can't mourn, as my son is still looking me in my face. I don't know what I am going to do now. I just don't know.

Mint Green Noah

My cousin is the best! Not only will I have some Pooh mint green, but I am getting all her mint green Noah's Ark stuff! YAY for mint! I know a lot of people probably have an aversion to the gender neutral tone, but it has special meaning for me.

First of all, my grandmother's favorite color was green. She is not here to see her new great grandchild. I would hope this one to be a girl, also in her honor *but not with her attitude LOL*. She was a firecracker, that's for sure. I can imagine her being a child much like the one I already have. I need a calmer spirit to come from the new child. Of course, I will be happy with what God grants. These are just my thoughts and wishes.

Second, my favorite flavor of ice cream is mint chocolate chip. This might not seem too significant, but it is to me for various reason. Most of them have to do with the grandmother that I am so deeply missing right now.

No matter what, I will be happy with a healthy baby and a tubal ligation. That's all that really matters in the end, right?

5 weeks pregnant

So here I am at 5 weeks pregnant. I snagged that picture from babycenter.com to show you a bit of what's going on inside. Apparently, if I am going to get the nausea it will happen this week. Even in light of the information about breast cancer, I still would rather NOT be nauseous.

Right now I am still having the same symptoms as I was. My boobage stays at a constant level of discomfort. I think I need to pull out the larger bras I have stashed away. PS I think that nursing bras are somewhat of a waste of money. I prefer to just hike the sucker up when time comes to feed.

Anywho, I find myself worrying about the heartbeat. It is supposed to start this week. Technically, I should be able to hear it at my ob/gyn appointment on the 31st. I will be in my 9th week, which is the same time I first heard my son's heart beating at 160 beats per minute (bpm). I am looking forward to resting my fears about NOT hearing a heartbeat. I guess it's natural to worry about that.

Nobody's Hero

From the first pregnancy to this, I have decided that I don't have to be a hero.

What am I talking about?

Well, with my first labor, I thought I had something to prove. So many women before me did this without pain medicine, why can't I? I am going to show my worth by bearing through this without any meds whatsoever.

Now, my labor and delivery were a special case. I had preeclampsia and had to be induced. My blood pressure was 197/110 when I got to the hospital. My son was 3 1/2 weeks premature. I also got stuck at 7 cm and couldn't dilate any further. They were trying to get me to relax enough to be able to finish dilating. I ended up with some Stadol *which only made me angry and groggy* an then an epidural. I was angry. Mad as a wet hen, even! I glared at the anesthesiologist with spitfire and vengeance in my heart. My last comment before I got the epidural was the end all kicker: I better be able to feel my legs!

I passed out shortly after that. I had been in induced labor since around 10 am and it was around 7 pm when I finally got the epidural. Exhausted, I awoke to the sensation of the need to push. Three really good pushes later and my son was born at 10:27 pm...12 1/2 hours after it had all begun...and I felt my legs the entire time.

What did I learn from all that?

Having pain medicine doesn't make me a wimp. It doesn't make me a coward. It doesn't degrade my ability to birth a child as a woman. Pain medicine is not something that has to be shunned to prove a point. Who am I trying to save? I don't have to be a hero.