Ovulation

I hate the way I feel, smell, think when I ovulate

No more babies?

Well I started going to therapy. With the diagnosis and treatment options available... well... it may be necessary for me to have to go on meds at some point. This means that I will have to get on birth control of some sort.

Meds + pregnancy = big ol' mess.

Can't chance it.

Either way, it would not be a good idea for me to get pregnant again for the sheer mental repercussions it will cause. I went into PPP (postpartum psychosis) last time. I know for a fact that if I did have a daughter out of the next pregnancy, it would not be good for us, due to my issues even and especially after the PPP has subsided.

If you have no clue what I am talking about, you can read more on the subject here.

4 Months since the first M/C

Well actually my 2nd and 3rd M/Cs. It's 4 months today. I think it's time to stop grieving the loss of my babies...

Today also marks 2 years since my grandmother passed.

2 has always been a bad number for me...but today I only mourn her. Hopefully next year I won't feel like this about babies or grandmom and I can just move on with my life.

How Crunchy Can you Get?

I might be seen as a pariah, but I want to get this out there somewhere into the Universe. Maybe I will be heard and granted the life I long to live with my family:

I want to make soy candles in my kitchen with my son.

I want to grow a small garden of veggies and spices so that I can always have fresh things to cook with.

I want to go to the local farmers and buy their fresh off the farm produce.

I want to crochet with alternative and natural fibers.

I want to buy from the small timers to support the working class crafter.

I want my house to always smell of apples and cinnamon or sugar cookies or pie.

I loved wearing my baby and keep my slings to remind me of the special time we had cuddling and nursing in those things.

I want to continue to use homeopathic meds and supplements for me and my family.

I want my family to be clothed in the things that I made with my own two hands.

I want to show myself approved...become the person that I have dreamed of being. Not just for me, but so my own child will know the value of making things from scratch and making the best from what you have available...from God's bounty to our tables.

==

That is my dream.

Hello Aunt Flo

I finally got a regular period! Thanks be to God. I nearly thought it would never happen. I guess this means that my body has healed or is at least nearly there.

We discussed adoption again... Hubby said he still wants to try one more time. I said my heart can't take another failure. I know other women have failed and failed and failed again only to finally have their heart's desire. Maybe I am a wimp, but this being our 3rd miscarriage since we got married, I just don't think I can muster up enough moxie to try again and fail and again and fail.

Yes, next time I might not fail and actually have a baby, but I just can't live with the fear every day just waiting for the baby to miscarry again. I would have that fear till the baby is born then I would be worried about SIDS for 3 years. At least I know that adoption is not out of the realm of possibility.

2 misses, can i just walk now?

Well I haven't been here because I had 2 miscarriages in July, not one... I couldn't really bring myself to talk here much about anything. I have decided to wait and see what happens now. I still haven't had a "regular" stint with Aunt Flo. I'm tired and I just want to stop. Depressed, stressed out, my hair breaking off... yeah. I'm done for a while.

I will still post here at least once or twice a month. I will let you know if my body has healed and such.

2 weeks later

aunt flo has FINALLY vacated the building. jeebus. it was like FOREVER.

She showed up

Well after waiting and waiting and 3 tests for my past due period, I got it. Barely there, but there all the same. I am disheartened and I don't even want to try anymore. Seriously. I have stopped going to miscarriage support forums that I used to frequent. I just want to be alone in my cocoon of disappointment for a while.

No sign of AF

I have had symptoms of other things, but no sign of Aunt Flo. It's weird. You see my counter for today says this is the 30th day of my cycle, seeing as I ovulated on the 12th. I got a BFN already once, but I might have tested too quickly. I don't know...

I was paranoid about telling people whether or not I am pregnant again. I figure it's stupid to keep it to myself. Seriously, me saying anything or nothing won't make the baby stick any better. If God wills me to have a child, I will have it REGARDLESS. So that is where my had is right now. I am just waiting a few more days to test again and see if I get a BFP anytime soon.

The new countdown

Here is the closest estimate I can get on our TTC journey:

Miscarriage/Loss Support forums

Here are the places that I have been going rather frequently to get help:

Miscarriage Support

TTC after Miscarriage

Silent Grief

TMI: Ovulation and TTC

Well I know that I ovulated on the 12th.

DTD on the 15th.

Didn't mean to work it out like that, really. I was trying to hold off, but sometimes a married gal just can't wait *teehee*. It wasn't to TTC, but that's how it worked out. If I end up with something to talk about I probably won't say too much about it till like my 19th week. Seriously.

Finished losing

I finally stopped bleeding last night. It was another 9 days in total that I bled, just like with my first miscarriage. I am already ovulating again. I can feel it and it hurts more than it did before. I am going to wait one full cycle before trying again. I want to make sure I know exactly what I am doing and when is the best time to do it. No pressure, though. I know it won't take long for me to get to my viable pregnancy and then to my daughter finally being in my arms.

Letting Go & Moving on

I have finally dealt with my anger and forgave some things. I had to let go of it. It was eating me alive. That has changed into determination. I am now determined to try again. Determined to be successful and have my daughter. I am determined to win. That might sound a little crazy, but it makes perfect sense to me. I have carried a baby far enough to be born healthy, and I can do it again.

I will be taking good care of myself in preparation to succeed. It's all I can do. I know that this pregnancy was a primer, as was my first miscarriage before my son. It taught us the lessons we needed to learn. Next time will be different. Next time I won't lose.

Time to Grieve

I have had time to grieve today, but I haven't gone insane. I have cried, but not gone over the top. I don't know what to say about that other than I guess, maybe, I have found some semblance of sanity... even if I am not at peace within myself. I am just glad to finally be alone and able to cope without noise.

Still Cramping

I am still cramping, still bleeding. I am still hurting, suffering. It's the hardest thing I have had to deal with since losing my grandmother. I started a song, but I can't finish it. I have a poem that doesn't feel right. I just want something to feel right. When will I be ready to try again? Will I ever be ready? The pain is all too present right now.

I have to call my doctor tomorrow. I was supposed to have blood drawn on the 6th but didn't go. The bruise on my arm is too big and it's the only place they can get good veins. This is all I have left of my former child. Bruises, blood, and pain.

Helpful Links about Miscarriage

• Miscarriage Statistics
• Information & Articles
• "Our Miscarriage" info site
• Coping with loss, babycenter
• Coping, americanbaby
• Coping, epigee
  

Dedicated to angel baby #2

I lost one baby before. Now he has a playmate. Be good to your sister up there.

23: the number of the dead

At least it is for my baby. They tell me that I should go in on the 6th to have another blood test done to see if this is all just a fluke or whatever. I kind of already know that my HCG level will be at zero when I get the results. The people at the hospital couldn't even get a positive urine test for pregnancy on me this time. A clueless nurse just popped in with that lovely information, infuriating the nurse that had been taking great pains not to upset me. The doctor removed a bunch of tissue that I would have lost anyway. I am still losing tissue and blood. I started last night and it just got worse overnight. I am still having hella cramping. I am so heartbroken that I can't even breathe. I can't mourn, as my son is still looking me in my face. I don't know what I am going to do now. I just don't know.

Mint Green Noah

My cousin is the best! Not only will I have some Pooh mint green, but I am getting all her mint green Noah's Ark stuff! YAY for mint! I know a lot of people probably have an aversion to the gender neutral tone, but it has special meaning for me.

First of all, my grandmother's favorite color was green. She is not here to see her new great grandchild. I would hope this one to be a girl, also in her honor *but not with her attitude LOL*. She was a firecracker, that's for sure. I can imagine her being a child much like the one I already have. I need a calmer spirit to come from the new child. Of course, I will be happy with what God grants. These are just my thoughts and wishes.

Second, my favorite flavor of ice cream is mint chocolate chip. This might not seem too significant, but it is to me for various reason. Most of them have to do with the grandmother that I am so deeply missing right now.

No matter what, I will be happy with a healthy baby and a tubal ligation. That's all that really matters in the end, right?

5 weeks pregnant

So here I am at 5 weeks pregnant. I snagged that picture from babycenter.com to show you a bit of what's going on inside. Apparently, if I am going to get the nausea it will happen this week. Even in light of the information about breast cancer, I still would rather NOT be nauseous.

Right now I am still having the same symptoms as I was. My boobage stays at a constant level of discomfort. I think I need to pull out the larger bras I have stashed away. PS I think that nursing bras are somewhat of a waste of money. I prefer to just hike the sucker up when time comes to feed.

Anywho, I find myself worrying about the heartbeat. It is supposed to start this week. Technically, I should be able to hear it at my ob/gyn appointment on the 31st. I will be in my 9th week, which is the same time I first heard my son's heart beating at 160 beats per minute (bpm). I am looking forward to resting my fears about NOT hearing a heartbeat. I guess it's natural to worry about that.

Nobody's Hero

From the first pregnancy to this, I have decided that I don't have to be a hero.

What am I talking about?

Well, with my first labor, I thought I had something to prove. So many women before me did this without pain medicine, why can't I? I am going to show my worth by bearing through this without any meds whatsoever.

Now, my labor and delivery were a special case. I had preeclampsia and had to be induced. My blood pressure was 197/110 when I got to the hospital. My son was 3 1/2 weeks premature. I also got stuck at 7 cm and couldn't dilate any further. They were trying to get me to relax enough to be able to finish dilating. I ended up with some Stadol *which only made me angry and groggy* an then an epidural. I was angry. Mad as a wet hen, even! I glared at the anesthesiologist with spitfire and vengeance in my heart. My last comment before I got the epidural was the end all kicker: I better be able to feel my legs!

I passed out shortly after that. I had been in induced labor since around 10 am and it was around 7 pm when I finally got the epidural. Exhausted, I awoke to the sensation of the need to push. Three really good pushes later and my son was born at 10:27 pm...12 1/2 hours after it had all begun...and I felt my legs the entire time.

What did I learn from all that?

Having pain medicine doesn't make me a wimp. It doesn't make me a coward. It doesn't degrade my ability to birth a child as a woman. Pain medicine is not something that has to be shunned to prove a point. Who am I trying to save? I don't have to be a hero.

The Pregnancy Organizer

I got my pregnancy organizer in the mail today. I already started to fill it out. I missed 4 weeks of journaling already, so I want to make sure and get it all filled in up to this point. It's really neat to be able to compare notes between this pregnancy and my previous one. I am trying to use all the same books and methods so that I have accurate and identical records for the kids when they get older. I know I appreciated that in a house with two other siblings. I still go look at my baby book from time to time. My son has a lot to go on. My daughter *crosses fingers* will, too.

Morning sickness and breast cancer

I have not felt nausea yet with this pregnancy. I have been extra hungry and had a bit of indigestion. I was just reading about how women with morning sickness might actually be at a lower risk for breast cancer:

My buddy Jenn thought that I might be interested in the info.

I started her registry

Yes her, it's wishful thinking. I figure, if I put it out into the Universe enough, that I will end up getting what I want. Anyway, I have started my registry at our favorite place to shop: Walmart. I am in love with mint green this time around. Last time, we had a Noah's Ark theme. This time I want a Pooh Bear type theme. I saw the Days of Hunny collection and just decided that's what I want. I liked the Pooh themes when my son was born, but I had already decided on the ark. This time, I plan to get everything I want. This is the last hurrah for babies in our home.

No belly pics for a while

I already had a bit of a belly before I got pregnant. You won't be able to see significant changes until at least 3 months preggo especially if I carry small like I did with my son. No one could tell I was pregnant until I was close to six months! So if I was to show you a picture now you would be like *wow you are already showing!* and I would cyber slap you... LOL Sorry, horrormones talking, not me.

Symptoms today 4 weeks 3 days

• tender boobage
• swollen boobage
• moderate cramping/stretching
• headache
• dizziness
• irritability
• inability to concentrate
• sensitivity to some smells
  

Pain meds while pregnant

It has been little over four years since I was last pregnant. I have to relearn a lot of the dos and donts of pregnancy. Who remembers that stuff? Anyway, I remember that I am not supposed to take any ibuprofen, my favorite pain reliever. I will have to take acetaminophen if memory serves me right. I have it, I just don't like it. Maybe I will just remind myself which teas are okay to drink during pregnancy and have a cup.

Did I lose his twin?

I was reading something interesting about Vanishing Twin Syndrome. I bled so much with my son that I thought I was having a miscarriage. The people at the ER also thought that was the issue. When they finally looked at me they said that my cervix was closed and it had to be implantation bleeding. I got an ultrasound and there was one baby, a yolk sack, and a heartbeat.

After reading about the Vanishing Twin, I have to wonder. If they had done an ultrasound before I bled like crazy, would there have been two babies? I bled for at least a month. It got so bad that I really thought I might have lost my son. I had the cramping and everything. That's why I wonder... do I have predisposition for twins? If so, I really pray there is only one little girl in my womb right now.

Caffeine and Pregnancy

Last time I was pregnant, Vanilla Coke was just coming out. When I heard it was resurfacing I said *watch, I will be preggo within the month* Lo, and behold, I called it right.

The argument is that pregnant women shouldn't ingest caffeine. I have just found a caffeine guideline for pregnant women. I can ingest 300 mg of caffeine a day without making the baby go into caffeinated convulsions. Well, I only drink one soda can a day when I have it, and that's before I was pregnant. Now I am limiting to one or two a week. According to the site, it's only 40 mg per can of soda. A full bottle of Vanilla Coke should yield about two to two and a half can sized servings, which brings me up to between 80 and 100 mg. One of those every two weeks wouldn't harm the child. Now I just have to show that to my husband so I can get my 'nilla on.

beginning the next journey

Hello all. I have not used this blog since well before the first post was wrought. I decided to dust this off and have a go at chronicling my pregnancy. Here are the first particulars:

• I knew the moment I got pregnant on June 11th.
• Friday the 15th I had ridiculously sore boobage.
• Saturday they were tender, but not as bad as Friday.
• I kept feeling stretching/burning all week.
  
• My knee started to hurt. It hasn't hurt since I was pregnant with my son.
• I tested on the 22nd and got a faint positive.
• Everyone found out, and I can't keep my own secrets LOL
• Made the doctor's appointment for July 31st the day I tested positive.
• Spotted yesterday *25th* and a bit today.
• Took another test and got a nice dark positive today.

That is the summary of what's been going on. I have been ravenously hungry and eating a salad that many think is weird. My pants are bothering me right around where the baby is. I did feel it implant on the left side, which is where the egg came from both this time and when I had my son. My ovaries have been somewhat painful. Many things mirror what happened with my son except that I can eat tomatoes and lettuce without a problem.

the BFP

Preggo tickers cuz they're cute