finally got my friend

It's been over a month since I had my period. I just got it 5 days ago and am only getting here now to tell about it. I had taken 4 preggo tests to make sure that it wasn't that and only my stress. Who would have thought you could stress enough to make your period a month late?

late again

stupid period. im 3 days late and am currently attributing it to the excessive amounts of stress i have been dealing with of late. will keep you updated.

Ovulation

I hate the way I feel, smell, think when I ovulate

No more babies?

Well I started going to therapy. With the diagnosis and treatment options available... well... it may be necessary for me to have to go on meds at some point. This means that I will have to get on birth control of some sort.

Meds + pregnancy = big ol' mess.

Can't chance it.

Either way, it would not be a good idea for me to get pregnant again for the sheer mental repercussions it will cause. I went into PPP (postpartum psychosis) last time. I know for a fact that if I did have a daughter out of the next pregnancy, it would not be good for us, due to my issues even and especially after the PPP has subsided.

If you have no clue what I am talking about, you can read more on the subject here.

4 Months since the first M/C

Well actually my 2nd and 3rd M/Cs. It's 4 months today. I think it's time to stop grieving the loss of my babies...

Today also marks 2 years since my grandmother passed.

2 has always been a bad number for me...but today I only mourn her. Hopefully next year I won't feel like this about babies or grandmom and I can just move on with my life.

How Crunchy Can you Get?

I might be seen as a pariah, but I want to get this out there somewhere into the Universe. Maybe I will be heard and granted the life I long to live with my family:

I want to make soy candles in my kitchen with my son.

I want to grow a small garden of veggies and spices so that I can always have fresh things to cook with.

I want to go to the local farmers and buy their fresh off the farm produce.

I want to crochet with alternative and natural fibers.

I want to buy from the small timers to support the working class crafter.

I want my house to always smell of apples and cinnamon or sugar cookies or pie.

I loved wearing my baby and keep my slings to remind me of the special time we had cuddling and nursing in those things.

I want to continue to use homeopathic meds and supplements for me and my family.

I want my family to be clothed in the things that I made with my own two hands.

I want to show myself approved...become the person that I have dreamed of being. Not just for me, but so my own child will know the value of making things from scratch and making the best from what you have available...from God's bounty to our tables.

==

That is my dream.

Hello Aunt Flo

I finally got a regular period! Thanks be to God. I nearly thought it would never happen. I guess this means that my body has healed or is at least nearly there.

We discussed adoption again... Hubby said he still wants to try one more time. I said my heart can't take another failure. I know other women have failed and failed and failed again only to finally have their heart's desire. Maybe I am a wimp, but this being our 3rd miscarriage since we got married, I just don't think I can muster up enough moxie to try again and fail and again and fail.

Yes, next time I might not fail and actually have a baby, but I just can't live with the fear every day just waiting for the baby to miscarry again. I would have that fear till the baby is born then I would be worried about SIDS for 3 years. At least I know that adoption is not out of the realm of possibility.

2 misses, can i just walk now?

Well I haven't been here because I had 2 miscarriages in July, not one... I couldn't really bring myself to talk here much about anything. I have decided to wait and see what happens now. I still haven't had a "regular" stint with Aunt Flo. I'm tired and I just want to stop. Depressed, stressed out, my hair breaking off... yeah. I'm done for a while.

I will still post here at least once or twice a month. I will let you know if my body has healed and such.

2 weeks later

aunt flo has FINALLY vacated the building. jeebus. it was like FOREVER.

She showed up

Well after waiting and waiting and 3 tests for my past due period, I got it. Barely there, but there all the same. I am disheartened and I don't even want to try anymore. Seriously. I have stopped going to miscarriage support forums that I used to frequent. I just want to be alone in my cocoon of disappointment for a while.

No sign of AF

I have had symptoms of other things, but no sign of Aunt Flo. It's weird. You see my counter for today says this is the 30th day of my cycle, seeing as I ovulated on the 12th. I got a BFN already once, but I might have tested too quickly. I don't know...

I was paranoid about telling people whether or not I am pregnant again. I figure it's stupid to keep it to myself. Seriously, me saying anything or nothing won't make the baby stick any better. If God wills me to have a child, I will have it REGARDLESS. So that is where my had is right now. I am just waiting a few more days to test again and see if I get a BFP anytime soon.

The new countdown

Here is the closest estimate I can get on our TTC journey:

Miscarriage/Loss Support forums

Here are the places that I have been going rather frequently to get help:

Miscarriage Support

TTC after Miscarriage

Silent Grief

TMI: Ovulation and TTC

Well I know that I ovulated on the 12th.

DTD on the 15th.

Didn't mean to work it out like that, really. I was trying to hold off, but sometimes a married gal just can't wait *teehee*. It wasn't to TTC, but that's how it worked out. If I end up with something to talk about I probably won't say too much about it till like my 19th week. Seriously.

Finished losing

I finally stopped bleeding last night. It was another 9 days in total that I bled, just like with my first miscarriage. I am already ovulating again. I can feel it and it hurts more than it did before. I am going to wait one full cycle before trying again. I want to make sure I know exactly what I am doing and when is the best time to do it. No pressure, though. I know it won't take long for me to get to my viable pregnancy and then to my daughter finally being in my arms.

Letting Go & Moving on

I have finally dealt with my anger and forgave some things. I had to let go of it. It was eating me alive. That has changed into determination. I am now determined to try again. Determined to be successful and have my daughter. I am determined to win. That might sound a little crazy, but it makes perfect sense to me. I have carried a baby far enough to be born healthy, and I can do it again.

I will be taking good care of myself in preparation to succeed. It's all I can do. I know that this pregnancy was a primer, as was my first miscarriage before my son. It taught us the lessons we needed to learn. Next time will be different. Next time I won't lose.

Time to Grieve

I have had time to grieve today, but I haven't gone insane. I have cried, but not gone over the top. I don't know what to say about that other than I guess, maybe, I have found some semblance of sanity... even if I am not at peace within myself. I am just glad to finally be alone and able to cope without noise.

Still Cramping

I am still cramping, still bleeding. I am still hurting, suffering. It's the hardest thing I have had to deal with since losing my grandmother. I started a song, but I can't finish it. I have a poem that doesn't feel right. I just want something to feel right. When will I be ready to try again? Will I ever be ready? The pain is all too present right now.

I have to call my doctor tomorrow. I was supposed to have blood drawn on the 6th but didn't go. The bruise on my arm is too big and it's the only place they can get good veins. This is all I have left of my former child. Bruises, blood, and pain.

Helpful Links about Miscarriage

• Miscarriage Statistics
• Information & Articles
• "Our Miscarriage" info site
• Coping with loss, babycenter
• Coping, americanbaby
• Coping, epigee
  

Dedicated to angel baby #2

I lost one baby before. Now he has a playmate. Be good to your sister up there.